There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
