____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
