Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
