Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
