We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
