he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
