Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
