I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
well, you know. whores of a feather.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
