____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
