i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
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apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
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you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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