Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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