my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
