Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
