just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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