Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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