Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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