The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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