wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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