Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
