I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
