If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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