I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
