If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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