Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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