i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize