Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
