my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Randomize
