You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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