i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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