I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
