matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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