Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
