either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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