I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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