I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize