y did u give ur computer a hand job?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
