i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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