If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
