Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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