He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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