Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
