she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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