i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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