i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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