I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
