Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
