i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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