Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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