i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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