The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
