what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
