I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
