and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
