watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
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