I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
