He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
