you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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