At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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