In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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