I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
