The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
